It was the bacon that was the problem. Wait, that's not the right place to start; let me try again.
The thing is, I love my two daughters very much indeed.
Okay, so occasionally when they're both screaming in my ear simultaneously, for no apparent reason, I may not be quite so keen on them, but I love them all the time with a ferocity that makes my heart hurt. I hate the thought of anything or anyone hurting them and I want to protect them as much as I possibly can.
My father died last month. It broke my heart. I loved him very much and just thinking about it makes me want to cry and scream about how unfair it is that I can't hug him again. He was 76 and died due to a terminal illness that he'd had for over four years, but it was still too soon, too sudden.
Now, I'm 31 and I'm a bit of a mess. I'm overweight, depressed, insomniac, way too dependent on caffeine, very poor at looking after my finances and... actually, this list thing is not doing a great deal for the issues I've got with low self-esteem, so I think we'll call it off there. Let's summarise by saying that I am not in the best shape I've ever been, physically, financially, mentally or professionally.
Normally, when I reach this kind of nadir, I spring into action. I work out a hardcore diet plan, I sign up for the gym, I set up umpteen spreadsheets to track my spending, I commit to a dozen hardcore plans and I think that this time, this time it'll stick. And it does... for a little. Then something comes and knocks me down - there's a bad day at work, I'm running on low sleep, my brain chemistry decides that I'm just going to feel bad for no reason - something happens and I just take a day off. Just one. Or two. Or maybe the week and then I'll pick up next week... or the start of next month at the latest.
The problem is that I work in a very binary system - either on, or off. I am either calorie-controlled, two Cokes a day, every expense noted in Excel, exercise routine every day, and five fruit-and-veg before dinner. Or I'm "I deserve a McDonalds cause it's a bad day," "Sod it, I need another Red Bull to get me through the day," "The credit card will cover it," "I might play rugby this month," and "Fancy a takeaway for dinner?"
I got my dad until I was 31. Too soon, too sudden. In order for my youngest daughter to get me until she's 31, I need to survive till I'm nearly 62. I'd like to think I'm immortal. I have a suspicion that if I went to a doctor for a health-check, they'd have a different opinion.
The impetus for this latest round of introspection is the recent news that the WHO declared bacon and sausages as group 1 carcinogens, which means that the evidence shows a near definite link to cancer. The newspapers have overblown it in their usual way -
"Bacon just as bad as cigarettes!" - but when I did my research, there does appear to be a fairly solid truth behind it.
My initial reaction was to decide to engage in cognitive dissonance and argue for my current lifestyle, but I sat and thought about it and it's not the only risky behaviour I indulge in. I sleep less than 5 hours a night, I eat red meat like it's going out of fashion, I'm strikingly overweight, I binge eat things that are bad for me and I stress, a lot.
I don't want to hurt my daughters. I think I might be going to though and much sooner than age 62.
So, as I noted, my usual reaction to this kind of system shock would be a massive overhaul of everything, regiment my life to the tiniest detail, spreadsheet *everything* and set up a massive list of failure conditions that would inevitably be tripped. Also, I would make sure everyone I could reasonably inform would be aware that I was on a health kick and was sorting my shit out, ostensibly so that there would be public shame attached to failure, but I suspect more because getting public support for planning to do something is almost as good as getting public support for actually doing it.
I've decided against that this time. What I'm going to do is set up a number of small, achievable tasks, which I'm going to commit to for a month only. These tasks may not be big enough to make a big difference to my life - they may not be enough to let me really sort out my finances, lose a significant amount of weight or get my health back under control. However, if I've proved anything across the last 6-7 years, it's that going too big results in me going home. These things may not make the difference, but they'll make *a* difference. And, hey, they're only for one month. I can always step them up in the future if I feel able to. And if I'm struggling with one, it's only for a month - I don't have to sign up to that one again next month.
And November is actually the perfect month to try doing these, as we've blundered into having a free nanny for that month to help with childcare. That bit less pressure will be enough to let me get going and then... well, we'll see how I feel about December.
Most important thing of all is that I'm not showing this blog to anyone (apart from my wife, who gets to know just because) until at least December. Possibly not even then. I could share this on Facebook and I'm sure get a cavalcade of Likes and supportive comment (and a few sarky comments from two or three usual suspects, thank you) but that wouldn't really help. I think I'm better off keeping this under my hat until I've done something, rather than fishing for validation in the murky waters of the interwebs.
I'm still going to write my tasks down each month though, even if no-one ever sees this. I think I'd rather have them down in black and white than in my head, where the success criteria are malleable and each task is much less solid and real. Plus this gives me a place to talk about it, even if no-one's listening.
So, here's the list:
1. Take in 3 pieces of fruit to work for breakfast: banana and two others. That way I'll actually eat breakfast, have vitamins, be less likely to blow money on Sandwich Sue's rolls and hopefully be healthier all around.
2. Only buy 2 meals at work per week. At the moment, I buy lunch almost every day and often buy breakfast too. This is where a large chunk of money goes each month and one of many reasons why I'm so large. I'm over 18 stone. Seriously, I just weighed myself. That is a very, very long way from good.
3. Only 5 units of Diet Coke per day. So that's cans or standard mugs. I have way, waaay too much caffeine.
4. Go to bed at 11pm every night. Yes, I'm aware of the irony of writing this at 3.16am. At the moment, my shift with baby daughter runs until 1am, so I decide I may as well stay up until that's over. And by that point I'm watching a television show, so one more episode's okay, right? Besides, I'm saving Caroline from having to get up and improving her sleep, so that's good, right? So I go upstairs at 2.30am and proceed to read or footle on the laptop for another hour. Then wonder why I'm tired in the morning.
Note that this one is not "Go to sleep at 11pm." I know what I'm like and that's guaranteed to fail. But if I'm physically in the bedroom and in bed, then there's a chance I may put the laptop/book down and go to sleep. Downstairs on the settee, there is zero chance. Small changes.
5. One vegetarian dinner each week. Not quorn.
I hate quorn. I mean something that's genuinely vegetables, like jacket potato or pasta bake or something. There must be something else vegetarian that's tasty. I'll research.
6. Read a physical book one evening per week. I spend too much time on my laptop/phone and I have a big pile of physical books that need reading. I should have one evening away.
7. Spend a solid half-hour doing housework once per week. Yes, gardening counts. The kitchen cupboard needs fixing, the garden's a mess, the house needs cleaning, my floordrobe is ridiculous, the grass needs doing, not to mention the library and the sheds... let's stop that list there too. Small changes, one at a time.
I think that will do us. Seven's a nice number for a list and I don't want to commit to too much right now. Let's start with those and see how we go in November.
PJW
